


The Inquisition Needs Time to Heal

by caitirin, elaby



Series: The Chronicles of Teithranen Lavellan: Plant-Obsessed Soft-Hearted Inquisitor [24]
Category: Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Banter, Eventual Happy Ending, F/F, Friendship, Gardening, Grief, Healing, Long Distance Relationships, Love is hard, M/M, Phantom Limb Pain, Red Jennies, Saoirse Lavellan - Freeform, Sera deserved better writing, Sera growth, Swearing, Tiny Cakes, Varric Tethras is a Good Friend, loss of limb, mental health, sourvun, teithranen lavellan
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-25
Updated: 2018-10-25
Packaged: 2019-08-07 05:40:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,913
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16402361
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/caitirin/pseuds/caitirin, https://archiveofourown.org/users/elaby/pseuds/elaby
Summary: After disbanding the Inquisition, ex-Inquisitor Teithranen Lavellan takes some time to try to recover after the events of the Exalted Council.  With Dorian gone back to Tevinter and an arm missing things are looking pretty bleak.  He's directionless for the first time in his entire life and it terrifies him.  He can't stop rethinking his choices and worrying that he's made the wrong ones and missing his friends who are now scattered to all the corners of Thedas. Thankfully, Sera knows just what to do and Varric knows when to bring the sourvun, and Saoirse who knows him perhaps best of all, isn't going to give up on him.///"Should have frigging knocked Dorian over the head and locked him in here with you.  Stupid arsehole, going off and being all noble at the worst frigging time. You stupid men, always being stupid when you should be smart.”  Sera rolled her eyes and made a disgusted noise. “He’s bloody well lucky that you still like him, because otherwise I’d frigging kick his arse.  Saoirse wants to kill him.  Can’t very well do that.  I am not replacing him for you.”  She made an obscene gesture.  “Get it? Because staffs. And mages.  And, ugh, too much jousting and I am not up for that!”





	The Inquisition Needs Time to Heal

**Author's Note:**

> My Inquisitor's name is Teithranen Lavellan (Tei). His cousin Saoirse Lavellan was created by Elaby and most of the Saoirse dialog and bits were written by her. Also she beta read the whole darn thing, for which she is AWESOME.
> 
> Saoirse calls Tei Da'lath'in which means "little heart. An endearment used to describe someone who is emotional, carries their heart on their sleeve, is very empathetic, or very sympathetic to the plights of others. Typically used to describe a young person, but can be used for people of all ages who meet the description." Taken from Fenxshiral's post on nicknames. (http://fenxshiral.tumblr.com/post/115616853778/i-dont-know-if-youve-already-been-asked-this)
> 
> Also this fic has a theme song that my wife suggested: Mumford and Sons - After The Storm. Go on and have a listen if you don't know it, because it's PERFECT - https://open.spotify.com/track/1vXHRgrkWnCMab8dhVPh0f?si=cweGa7tsTLC9UUO6w-Dk9g

**The Inquisition Needs Time to Heal**

 

Tei didn’t remember very much about the trip from Orlais to Kirkwall following the Exalted Council.  Everything after Bull had cut off his decaying arm and Dorian had left for Tevinter had been a blurry haze of pain and grief and heavily drugged half sleep.  The powerful and overwhelming anger that had carried him through the Qunari invasion and the events of the Council had evaporated when Dorian left for Tevinter.  Tei remembered it bleeding out of him in a rush as he’d stood in the doorway of the balcony of the room he and Dorian had been sharing at the Winter Palace. As Dorian’s carriage pulled out of sight he’d felt his knees literally weakening and a rushing sound in his ears accompanying a nauseating dizzy spell.  He fell hard, missing the end table he’d reached for to stop his fall with an arm he didn’t have. His cousin, Saoirse, has been at his side in moments. The shame, anger, and fear hadn’t mixed well and he remembered shouting at Saoirse.

He also had in his memory a dim awareness of Saoirse, Varric, and Sera asking him what he wanted and him mumbling something about how it didn’t matter because he couldn’t have it.  In the end they had taken him to the estate in Kirkwall that Varric had given him. He couldn’t remember arriving, and hadn’t left what he assumed was his bedroom yet.

This morning the healer said that he was healing very well for only being four weeks out from the loss of his arm.  Tei lay back in the bed and looked away from her. Eventually they’d stop trying to talk to him and just leave after telling him that he might feel better if he got some fresh air and a little sunlight.  

The stump of his left arm throbbed and he closed his eyes, breathing out through his nose, trying to ignore the pain he could still feel from the hand that wasn’t there, trying to unclench the fingers he didn’t have, to stretch imaginary muscles that felt too tight all the time.  He rolled over onto his right shoulder and pulled the blankets to his chest. No choice but to wait it out. Again. He could have used the healer’s potions to help manage it, and if the pain got too intense he would, but a drugged half-sleep left him feeling uneasy and emotionally overwhelmed.  He felt broken and useless: his magic was stunted and he was too weak to hold a staff for long in any case. He doubted every decision he’d made since the conclave, haunted by all the failures that seemed to be the only thing he could remember in the hazy fog he felt trapped in.

The Inquisition was disbanded and Dorian was gone.  Back to Tevinter to “Make It Better.” On his own, Amatus not invited.  He’d hung around just long enough to make sure Tei was going to make it after losing his arm.  

And Tei missed him so much it felt like it knocked the breath from his lungs.  The one thing he wanted the most right now and the one thing he absolutely could not have.  He wanted to feel Dorian’s arms around him, listen to him telling idiotic tales of youthful misadventures and boastful escapades.  He sometimes woke up thinking he caught the scent of that ridiculous hair pomade that Dorian loved only to realize that all he could smell was the medicinal sharpness of elfroot and a faint scent of whatever food had been left for him.  He found himself reaching for the familiar shape of Dorian sleeping next to him only to realize he wasn’t there and Tei was alone.

For the very first time in his life Tei was completely directionless.  There had never been any point in his life where he hadn’t known what his future would be.  As a child he knew he would become a healer for the clan. As the First of Clan Lavellan, he knew he would one day replace the Keeper and help guide them.  Becoming the Inquisitor had effectively quashed that, and now the Second would become Keeper instead of him. He hadn’t really had time to deal with that before he’d become the Herald of Andraste and then the Inquisitor, leading a huge movement without a second to catch his breath or really think about what would happen next.  And now with the Inquisition scattered to the winds, he suddenly had nothing but time and nothing to fill it.

The throbbing in his left arm was fading into the background again.  He blew out a breath and uncurled his body, unclenching his right hand and watching the color moving back into his white knuckles.  He felt sweat cooling on his skin, aftereffects of the pain. He pushed himself up with his remaining arm and forced himself to take a few deep breaths to get the nausea and the sudden chill to ease back a little.  Mornings were the hardest so far, those half seconds between sleeping and wakefulness when for just a moment he didn’t remember everything that hurt. He heard the knock at the door and didn’t look up. He knew who it was.  There was only one person stubborn enough to do this for him every single day.

“Brought you breakfast.  And you have to eat it. You know I won’t leave until I see you eat.”  Saoirse plonked herself onto the bed directly in front of him so he had to look at her.  She set down a tray with halla cheese and fresh bread with honey. Halla cheese was hard to come by, but somehow Saoirse had worked out a steady supply.  She’d bring it a couple times a week because it had always been Tei’s favorite food. When they’d first arrived in Kirkwall she’d asked him how he was doing every morning, but when the answer never changed she’d shifted tactics.  Now she skipped the pointless questions and got down to practical support.

He felt guilty.  She didn’t deserve the be bearing the brunt of this whole mess, and yet here she was, an immovable stone, refusing to let him shut down completely.  He reached for a piece of bread and then had to stop, cheese and honey first. Stupidly tiny, frustrating things were now impossible without his left arm, like picking up bread and then adding cheese.  He closed his eyes and sighed.

Saoirse pretended not to notice.  “Got a letter from Faron today. They fought a dragon last week.  It was terrorizing some farm I guess. Brynjolf, of course, promised the family that they’d take care of it, and well, dragon, so of course Bull was all in.  Minor burns and scrapes. And then they were paid in eggs. Can you even imagine? So many omelettes!”

Faron Lavellan, another cousin, had gone off with Iron Bull and Brynjolf Trevelyan after the Inquisition disbanded, it had taken Tei a little while to wrap his head around the idea that Faron had _two_ boyfriends, but they were happy and good for each other.  

Tei nodded.  “Sounds like their idea of fun.”  Even his voice felt flat and worn thin.  

Saoirse took a piece of bread from his plate and ate it.  “Know what else sounds like fun?” She caught his eyes.

Tei chewed his bread slowly and decided not to voice any of the depressing thoughts that immediately intruded.

“Sunlight.  Going outside.  Maybe changing your clothes.”  

“Not feeling good today.”  A stupid and empty excuse that felt as thin as Tei the moment he said it.  There hadn’t been a day since he arrived that he had felt good. “Arm is worse today.”

“Well, you’re not going to feel any better until you get some fresh air, and I’m feeling particularly stubborn today, so may as well spare yourself the argument and just come out on the balcony with me.”  Saoirse moved the tray off the bed and started dragging Tei out of bed.

Tei protested in a weak whine as Saoirse got him on his feet.  He was wearing a loose tunic and a pair of light breeches, the same ones the healers had helped him into when they arrived in Kirkwall.  He let Saoirse sort of shuffle him out onto the balcony that previous to that point he hadn’t known _was_ a balcony.  She pointed him at a chair and then sat down in the one next to it.

He lowered himself gingerly into the chair and squinted against the mid morning sunlight.  And then a flash of memory tightened around him, the balcony at Skyhold with Dorian holding him from behind, resting his chin on Tei’s shoulder.  Again, it almost felt like Tei could _feel_ him.  And then the absence of him all over again. He swallowed and breathed out raggedly.  He felt Saoirse’s hand on his, squeezing gently.

“Where’d you go?”  she asked quietly.

He just shook his head.  The answer was always the same.  And he knew she’d know.

She breathed out sharply.  Her voice was tight. “I wanna kill him for up and leaving you.  It makes me so angry.”

Tei rubbed his eyes with his hand.   “Please don’t. He needed to go. And I understand why.  It was important.”

“What, and you’re not important?”  She threw her hands up and made an angry sound.  “Would it kill you to stop being so bloody selfless and noble about this shit?  You always defend him! You should be angry! Just be mad at him! He left! What kind of asshole leaves the person they claim to love when he’s hurt?”

Tei didn’t look at her.

Saoirse could almost feel him withdrawing, pulling inside again.  “Balls. I’m sorry. And I just went and said something too far didn’t I?  I’m not helping.”

“It’s not... I can’t.  I can’t stop being like this.”  Tei’s voice was shaky and low. “If I stop trying to be understanding... then I’m afraid I’ll never come back out of it.  I can feel all this darkness swirling around inside me and if I let go, I think it’ll swallow me up and I don’t know what I’ll do.”  Tei shifted uncomfortably as his arm twinged. “I’m afraid of what I might do. That I might not come back out of it again.”

Saoirse paled.  For her entire life Tei had always been the calm one, always understanding and supportive, the person to comfort other people.  Aside from scraped knees and the time he’d lost his father, Tei had been absurdly put together. Even throughout the Inquisition.  Seeing him broken like this was hard and frightening. “Tei...”

Tei shook his head.  “I’m sorry, today’s a bad day.  I don’t mean to... I’m just.” His voice trembled as he spoke, talking through the tears that he couldn’t stop.  He pushed himself up out of his chair. “I can’t today. I love you, but I just can’t. I’m sorry.” He fled back into his room and got back into bed, curling the blankets over himself.

Saoirse pushed her hands back through her hair and kicked over one of the empty clay planters someone had left on the balcony.  She’d made things worse, hadn’t she? Was any of this even helping? It was so unfair, this entire frigging mess. She was angry at Dorian, angry at herself, angry at Tei for not _being_ angry... And she felt utterly helpless, which made her even angrier.

Instead of going back through Tei’s room, where she’d have to see him crumpled and defeated in bed, Saoirse vaulted over the balcony and scrambled down some vines. There had to be a good tree somewhere on this stupid estate where she could sit and calm down and figure out how to fix all of this.

 

The best tree wasn’t even that much of a good one, but after all, Saoirse thought, this _was_ Kirkwall. It was kind of scraggly-looking and there weren’t many leaves, but it was tall and the trunk was thick, and if Saoirse took a running leap, she could just reach the lowest limb.

She swung herself up into the branches and climbed them, one after another, until she reached the highest one that would hold her weight. Then she put her back against the trunk and dangled one leg down and curled her arms over her head.

She wasn’t helping him. She was here and she was _pushing_ him so hard, and yeah, maybe he needed that a little...but if she was pushing him toward the edge of a cliff, what did needing it matter? She was so angry, and since being angry was safe for her, she thought it was safe for everybody else too.

“Wrong,” she said out loud. “ _Not_ safe for everybody else, you frigging idiot.”

“Look, you.”  Sera walked up to the base of the tree and squinted up at Saoirse with her hands on her hips.  “If anyone’s calling anyone an idiot round here, it’s not gonna be you talking to yourself.” Sera scowled up at her and then took a leap into the tree and started her way up to join Saoirse.  “You and your frigging trees. S’what’s wrong with you elfy elves. Always hiding in leaves when there’s a frigging mansion right there.” Sera picked a branch near Saoirse and sat down. She prodded Saoirse with her foot.  “So how’d it go this morning with Ser Mopes-a-Lot?”

Saoirse caught Sera’s foot and tugged it, but Sera didn’t lose her balance. “It went like shit, because I _am_ an idiot. I told him I want to kick Dorian’s teeth in and that he should be angry too. He needs to stop all this selfless ‘this is for the best’ crap, because for once in his damn life he needs to put himself first. And...” She made a sound between a groan and a whimper. “You know what he said? He said he can’t get angry because he’s afraid that if he lets himself, it’ll just...swallow him down forever, and he’ll never come back. The only thing keeping him _here_ is being the one to make it easier for other people. Like...if he didn’t have anyone to sacrifice things for, he wouldn’t... _stay_ here. And I don’t mean in Kirkwall. I mean at all.” Her voice got wobbly at the end and she gave a little frustrated scream and put her face in her hands.

“Look, he’s... sad, right?  I mean he did everything right and things are still fucked for him.  Sure, we saved the world and all, but his world went away.” Sera kicked Saoirse gently again.  “Look, it’s like...” Sera’s expression twisted. “Like why don’t you just go become a Chantry sister?”

“What?”  Saoirse looked at Sera with confusion.

“I mean, like, if you told me that, it’s not like even if I wanted to I could just go hop into a chantry and make nice with all the other sisters.  It’d take a frigging long time. Even if I did want to like be all chanty and that. So, yeah, he can’t just stop doing the crap he’s been doing forever, even if it’s stupid and not what he needs.  And we just have to pretend we don’t wanna kick Dorian in the teeth for being so bloody stupid. Seriously, he deserves an arrow in the face for being such an arse. But, our idiot Inquisitor can’t think like that.  He’s wired up like some looney. I mean, he doesn’t even frigging get mad at _me!_  Even at that stupid Council it was just because he was so frustrated.  I don’t even think that was proper angry, just like... end-of-rope stuff.”  

Sera moved over so she could be closer to Saoirse.  She flicked Saoirse’s ear. “And yeah, he’s gonna say that gloomy crap right now.  But me and Varric, and you, we’re going to just keep kicking his arse. We’re not gonna let him do stupid things, and deep down, there’s no way he’d do them.  Because that’s him, innit?” Sera made an irritated noise. “And eventually stupid Dorian is going to get a stupid clue and they’ll be back together again doing their stupid love thing.  I mean it’s just time. But they’re boys so even the good ones are idiots most of the time, so of course it’s going to take Dorian longer to get his head round it. We just keep your idiot cousin stuffed full of leaves until he can get back to stuffing everyone else with them, right?”  Sera looked hopefully at Saoirse.

Saoirse felt pretty lucky, right then, that she and Sera had come along so far together that they’d both started making sense to each other. She took a deep breath and huffed it out.

“Right. You’re right. I can’t change who he is even if I think I know best, which, clearly, I don’t. And he says things he doesn’t mean even if he doesn’t _know_ he doesn’t mean it, just like I do. We just have to make sure he never really means it. Stuffing with leaves is a good start.” Saoirse grabbed Sera’s wrist and threaded their fingers together. “You’re smarter than you always say, you know?”

Sera tugged Saoirse closer to her.  She snorted. “Yeah that’s me. Smart.”  She rolled her eyes. “I just got a plan, right?”  She smiled wickedly. “If he ever gets too serious you can just sit on him with your bony arse, few minutes of that and he’d reconsider.”

  
  


The next morning a violent crashing sound jolted Tei from the drifting half sleep he’d been in.  

“Look, Inquisitorface!  You went and scared her!”  Sera stormed into his room, leaving the door to bang shut behind her.  She made a beeline for Tei’s bed with a dangerous expression on her face.

Tei shrank back against the headboard.

Sera jumped onto the bed, and grabbed the front of Tei’s shirt.  “It’s not okay. And I like you and all too. So you can’t just be talking about this ‘not coming out of darkness’ and shite.”  She seemed to be struggling with what she wanted to say. “And... if you need to, you can talk to me about it. Because I’ll fucking punch you before I let you do something stupid.  Because I love her, don’t I? And I can’t let her handle all your shite alone, now can I? Even if it _is_ probably all stupid elfy shite, it’s fine.  So, enough with being all mopey. I’m finding some stupid way to cheer you up.”

Tei winced and Sera let go of his shirt.  “Is she okay?”

Sera threw up her hands and for a half second Tei thought she really was going to punch him.  

“She’ll be a lot better when you stop all this lying in bed like you’re dying business.  It’s gone on long enough. I mean, you _get_ to be sad, but you don’t get to roll yourself up in a carpet and die.  We frigging won, and saved the bloody world. Now you get to do the fun stuff again.  And you’re all locked up in here making everyone worry.”

Tei hugged his arm across his chest.  

“Should have frigging knocked Dorian over the head and locked him in here with you.  Stupid arsehole, going off and being all noble at the worst frigging time. You stupid men, always being stupid when you should be smart.”  Sera rolled her eyes and made a disgusted noise. “He’s bloody well lucky that you still like him, because otherwise I’d frigging kick his arse.”

Tei rubbed his chest where Saoirse had grabbed his shirt.  “I think Saoirse would help you. I kind of think she wants to kill him.”

Sera smirked.  “Can’t very well do that.  I am _not_ replacing him for you.”  She made an obscene gesture.  “Get it? Because staffs. And mages.  And, ugh, too much jousting and I am not up for that!”

Tei almost smiled.  

Sera must have noticed.  “Right! On your feet, we’re getting out of this stinky sad house and going to do something fun, like dump chamber pots on Orlesians!”

Tei froze and hugged the blankets to his chest.  He shook his head. “Sera-- I can’t. I-- It’s just.  I’m really not ready for something like that.”

“Do I look like I give fucks whether you are or not?  Get up!” She yanked the blanket away from him and took hold of his good arm and hauled him up off the bed.  

Tei stumbled on his feet and jerked loose from Sera.  “My arm hurts, leave me alone! I don’t want to go anywhere.”

“Tough shit.  Cause we’re done with this crap now.  Not leaving you to be all weepy in the dark.  Going ‘Oh Dorian, I’m so sad and lonely, why does Tevinter suck so many balls?’  Course you’d probably like the ball thing. Oh ewww, now I’m picturing it.” She wrinkled up her nose and mimed being sick.  Then she grabbed his arm again and tugged him towards the door.

He tripped on a blanket and Sera just managed to catch him by the stump of his left arm where it ended just above his elbow.  A jolt of pain shot through his arm and shoulder. He jerked his arm away with a sharp cry. “No! Just leave me alone! I don’t want to see anyone, I don’t want whatever this is.”  He shoved her hand away.

Sera grinned.  “All right! Now we’re getting somewhere.  You’re out of bed and being pissy at me. We can work with that.”  She got behind him and started pushing him, carefully so he didn’t trip again.  “Now you need a wash. Because you _smell_ like boiled nug feet and arse.  And I had one of the little people that Varric sent fill up a bath with that bubble crap that I _know_ you like.  So off with that shirt and into the bath.”  She yanked the hem of his shirt up, exposing most of his back.

Tei struggled against her.  “ _Get off! I can do it myself!_ ”  He forced the shirt back down.

She put her hands on her hips.  “Well, go on then.”

Tei lashed out.  “Don’t treat me like a child.”  He gestured at his arm. “This... _hurts_ and it’s awful and everything stinks.”  He felt angry tears pricking at the corners of his eyes.  “And I never did this to you when you acted like a child!”

“No.  You never did.”  Sera’s smirk vanished from her face.  “And you’re almost the only fucking one who never did.  And I notice that. S’why I’m not about to let you mope around for the rest of your life because Dorian was brainless and didn’t show he appreciates you _and_ you lost your frigging arm.  You’re better than that. And I know it.  Maybe you forgot it, but I’m gonna help you remember.  Friends _do that_ for each other.”

Tei stopped.  “You think of us a friends?”

Sera rolled her eyes with exaggerated irritation.  “Maker, you are so _thick_.  Wouldn’t be here if I didn’t, would I?”

Tei hunched his shoulders.  “I don’t know, after the fight we had after the temple of Mythal I wasn’t really sure anymore.  I thought maybe I was too elfy and you hated me.”

Sera sighed.  “Look. You _are_ elfy. And elfy shite... you and me, we have different ideas about it.  But, like, Iron Bull and me, we got different ideas about a lot of stuff, and he’s still good fun.  Dorian too. So your ideas seem stupider to me than theirs, but whatever,” She shook her head and made a face.  “You can have your ideas and I can have mine and it’s all fine. Doesn’t make any bloody sense, but who cares? It’s not that important after all.  And you always did that acceptance thing with me.” Sera looked down at her feet before looking back up at him. “You and Saoirse, and not many people do that.  So I wanna keep you guys around, right?”

Tei’s lower lip started quivering and his eyes teared up.

Sera made a dramatically irritated gesture and put her hands up.  “ _Oh for fuck’s sake!_ ”  Sera shoved him into the adjoining bathroom.  “Go on and cry in your bubbles, but wash off some of that stink.  You stupid boys smell bad enough when you’re not all sad, I can hardly stand it right now.”  She slammed the door.

Tei stood just inside the bathroom door, blinking the tears from his eyes.  “... Sera?”

Her voice came through the door, sounding a little tentative.  “What?”

“... thanks.”

“Yeah, yeah, don’t get all significant about it.  Just don’t slip and break your other arm, right? Bloody useless then and I’ll feed you to the sharks in the harbor.  Come on down when you’re clean. Saoirse’s got cheese for you or some nonsense. Smells like goat to me, but she seems to think you’d want it.”

Tei rubbed his eyes and cleared his throat.  “Okay.”

“Good.  And... if you drown in the tub I’m gonna come after you in the friggin’ fade or whatever, and you know how much I hate it there, and kick your teeth in.  So. Yeah. Come eat cheese.”

Tei listened to her footfalls as she presumably left his room.  He absently massaged his shoulder and looked around at the bathroom.  True to her word, a bath had been drawn and it was filled with scented bubbles.  He walked over to the large tub and dipped his fingers in. The water felt hot and sent a little pleasant shiver through his body.

He started to struggle out of his shirt.  It was difficult to do without his left arm and it caught several times on the bandages, each time sending a painful twinge across his back and shoulders.  He dropped it next to the tub and started tugging off his breeches. He grimaced. Sera hadn’t been wrong, he stunk. Aside from healers cleaning his arm, he hadn’t really washed up since he’d arrived.  

He stood next to the tub, trying to work out how to actually get in without slipping and doing himself further injury, when he caught sight of himself in the mirror over the vanity.  It was a harsh sight. His body was covered with yellow, slowly healing bruises and his skin looked sallow. His cheeks were hollow, dark circles lay like bruises under both of his eyes.  No wonder they’d been so worried. Guilt chewed at his insides.

The bandage around his arm was clean, because the healers keep changing it.  He looked nervously at the end of his arm, the way it abruptly ended a few inches above the elbow.  He hadn’t looked at it yet without bandages. He wasn’t even sure what to expect. He touched the top of the bandages gingerly and felt an upswell of fear rising in his gut.  He swallowed hard and pulled his fingers away from the skin. Some scarring showed in spidery lines on his upper arm where the flaring power of the anchor left marks on his skin.  There was some similar but fainter scarring on his shoulder and neck. He could see the thick black markings of the top half of the June vallaslin on his arm, but the rest was hidden under the bandage.  He wondered how much of the vallaslin would even be left and what it might look like. He started to peel back the bandage but his hand started shaking too much and he felt his breaths coming more shallowly.  Maybe not quite yet. He walked over to the mirror and draped his cast off shirt over it. The bandages he left in a pile and he looked away from his ruined arm.

The sending crystal Dorian had given him tumbled out of his shirt pocket and clinked onto the vanity.  Tei picked it up to be sure it was undamaged. He carefully laid the chain around the amulet. Neither of them had used it yet, perhaps sensing that they each needed some time to find their footing in this new arrangement.  

Thinking about that started making Tei’s chest feel tight again.  He took a deep breath and tried to refocus on the task at hand. He settled into the bath.  The water was ever-so-slightly too hot, but easing in it felt like just what he needed. He unwrapped the stump of his left arm without looking at it and plunged it into the water.  The heat felt too intense for a moment and he hissed sharply. He closed his eyes tightly and waited for his muscles to loosen back up and for the metallic zinging sensation to abate.  Once he was comfortable in the hot bath, he felt the muscles in his shoulders starting to untense. He caught the scent of the water and recognized it as the Antivan bath oils Dorian had given him.  He pressed his lips tightly together as a lump rose in his throat and a fresh wave of grief washed over him. He let the feeling move through him, didn’t try to fight it. So many things reminded him of Dorian and it would be impossible to avoid them.  He was going to have to figure out how to deal with them so he didn’t go to pieces every single time.

The tub was large enough, and Tei small enough, that he could sort of float in the water.  He laid his head back into the water and let it cover his ears and block out all the sound.  It felt good as the water soaked into his hair. Tei reached back and combed his fingers through the tangled, dirty strands, working out the mess.  If only it were possible to reach into his mind and work through tangles as easily.

Tei wasn’t sure how much time had passed when he heard a quiet knock at the door.  He felt like he’d dozed off in the water.

“Hey, you still in there?  Isn’t the water cold?” It was Saoirse’s voice.

“Still here.  I’ll be out in a minute.”  The water wasn’t actually cold, but his fingertips were starting to wrinkle.  Tei pulled himself up out of the bath and carefully climbed out. He reached for the fresh, clean towel that had been laid out for him and started to dry off.  

Getting dressed now took twice as long, even with the simple tunic and fitted breeches that someone had laid out for him.  Getting into his smallclothes was simple enough, it just took a lot more tugging and adjusting than it used to. Trying to tie a drawstring waistband turned out to be impossible.  Tei blew out a frustrated breath. Saoirse was waiting for him; he fidgeted anxiously at the time it was taking him. He paused and took a deep breath. “I’m going to be a little longer.  Sorry.”

Saoirse sat on the edge of Tei’s bed and tapped her heels on the floor while she waited.  Someone had been in to change the sheets and remake it. They were quick around here. She shouted through the door.  “Take your time. I’m good. Do you need a h-- Oh shit, I mean, help?” Saoirse smacked herself in the forehead. She couldn’t believe she’d been about to ask if he needed a hand.

Tei shook his head.  “Uh no. I-- T-- I mean, I can do it.”  He looked at the clothing. _Probably._  He pulled his tunic over his head and it was cut long so he was adequately covered with the tunic and his smalls.  The tunic was short sleeved though, it didn’t cover the stump. He tossed the damp towel over his shoulder so it was covered.  There would be other breeches he could wear. He opened the door and looked around it.

Saoirse smiled encouragingly when Tei opened the door.  He still looked tired but not as bad as he had yesterday.  

Tei awkwardly tossed his breeches onto the bed.  “Drawstring...” He shook his head, ashamed and tried to force a weak smile as he walked over to the wardrobe that presumably had other clothing.  A pair of fitted leggings that he could just pull up would probably work. Nothing that needed ties or buttons or clasps. Everything seemed daunting.  

Saoirse watched his shoulders sag out of the corner of her eye as he started looking through the clothing.  She turned around to give him more space. “I figured we could go check out the gardens. They go on for frigging ever here, and looks like they used to have a gardener or something, but I think it’s all gone a bit wild.  If you tell me what’re weeds and what aren’t, I bet we could get some of it cleaned up. Get some chairs out there for relaxing. Drinks and tiny cakes, right?”

Tei found a pair of leggings and was awkwardly struggling into them.  He was thankful for Saoirse pretending not to notice. It was embarrassing enough that it was so difficult.  He finally got them on. “Okay.” He could pull weeds, that didn’t sound too bad. He held the towel over his shoulder, still keeping his arm out of view and his eyes cast down.  

Saoirse chewed on the inside of her cheek and eyed the towel. “You probably took your bandages off before you got in the bath, right? Nobody wants soggy bandages.”

“Yeah, I took them off,” he replied quietly, not looking at her. He didn’t mention the fact that he had done it with his eyes closed.

Saoirse took his face in her hands and redirected his gaze so she was looking him straight in the eyes. “Da’lath’in, listen to me. I can wrap it up if you want. Remember that time your brother ripped his hand open climbing down that cliff, and we could see all the way down to the bone? I didn’t even flinch. And hey--you didn’t flinch either. Right? This is all wretched and I’m sorry, but you’ve got to get used to seeing it.”

Tei felt his stomach tighten and he swallowed hard over the lump in his throat.  He breathed out shakily and felt himself shaking under her touch. Holding her gaze was hard but he forced himself to do it.  “I... I’m afraid.” He felt a twinge in his left bicep and he flicked his gaze to the towel that covered it and then back to Saoirse.  “It’s still sort of unreal. Like maybe part of me is still thinking that it’s just hurt and eventually it’s going to get better again.  But if actually see it...”

“Mn...” Saoirse made a sound of pained understanding. “I get it. Does it help that once it’s over with, it’ll be behind you? At least, this one first look will be? And if it’s too scary and you utterly freak out, I’m right here and I’ll cover it up and carry you outside and throw you in a flower bed?”

He clenched his fist tightly at his side, feeling the bite of his nails pressing into the skin of his only remaining hand.  “I want to say yes, but I don’t know.” He took a few deep breaths and lifted what was left of his left arm. Iron Bull had cut it off right at the elbow after he’d stumbled out of the Eluvian screaming in pain.  The healers back at the Winter Palace had been forced to cut off a few more inches to be certain the infection of the anchor was truly gone but he’d been mostly delirious through that. “The last time I saw it-” Tei blew out a breath to try to calm himself and stop his stomach churning.  “It was black, and pulsing green and my skin was... bubbling.” He closed his eyes as he felt his heart start thudding in his chest. He felt Saoirse holding his shoulders to steady him. He looked back at her, trying to anchor himself with her steadiness. “But it’s not still doing that.”  He nodded his head, trying to convince himself. “It can’t still be as bad as that.” A gallery of grotesque images flashed through his mind, feeding his anxiety about what was truly there beneath the fabric. He touched his fingertips to the towel and bunched his fingers in it to lift it away.  His hand started shaking and his muscles tightened. He was torn between the urge to tear the cloth away and to lower it by inches so that he could stop if he needed to. The towel caught on his shirt sleeve and when he reached to free it it slid off before he could catch it. He flinched when a rush of cooler air hit his damaged skin and he finally saw his arm.  

The skin was puckered along the line the healers had cut.  It was still red and the wound had a little bit of clear weeping right where it was healing.  Rough and angry red scar lines that reminded him of lightning patterns wrapped around his slender upper arm, crossing the lines of the June vallaslin Keeper Istimaethoriel had  tattooed there. The lower third of the vallaslin was now missing. Tei turned his arm, muscle memory moving him through the motion as though to turn his palm upwards even though it was missing.  He breathed in and out raggedly and stared at the place his arm now ended abruptly as though he were afraid it might suddenly explode.

Saoirse gripped his shoulders and swallowed as she flicked her eyes down to his arm. “See?” she said faintly. “No bubbling, no black and green. Definitely no glowing. Looks like a perfectly normal had-to-be-amputated-to-save-you arm, that does.” She tried a smile and rubbed his upper arms gently.

Tei looked a little paler than normal.  His voice was thick and hoarse when he spoke.  “No glowing.” He nodded. He felt slightly light headed with a faint sense of... was it relief?  He lifted his right hand and his fingertips hovered just over the scars on his arm, shaking as he steeled himself to touch them for the first time.  He closed his eyes and ran his fingers over the scars on his arm. The skin around them felt smooth and a little bit warm, the scar tissue itself felt strangely stiff under his fingers.  He opened his eyes again and watched himself tracing over the June lines that remained. He’d gotten it tattooed onto his arms a few years ago and was his mother’s vallaslin. “It’s not... hideous?”

“No!” Saoirse insisted quickly. “No, Tei, not at all. Honestly, in all this horrible war crap, we’ve seen a lot worse. Grosser, I mean. It looks like it’s even mending pretty well, as far as I can tell, not being a healer.” She furrowed her brows as she looked at the lines of his tattoo. “We’ll do something about that next time we visit the clan.” Without thinking, she traced her fingers over the scars and the inked lines. The color of the scars against his light brown skin looked feverish. “Oh crap, does that hurt?”

He flinched almost instinctively when she touched his arm.  “N-no. I don’t think so.” He watched her hand, moving so carefully on his skin.  “I can feel it, but it’s... weird. Not like the rest of my skin.” He ran his fingers down from his shoulder to the end of his arm.  “There must be nerve damage, I can feel it in my fingertips but sort of not in my arm, in some places.” He shuddered involuntarily. “It’s... just weird.  I don’t know how to describe it entirely.” He flexed a muscle. “And I still feel like I can _feel my fingers_ like they’re still there.”  He pulled his arm close to his chest.  “I don’t like that. I hope that goes away, it’s... unsettling.”

“That would weird me out too.” Saoirse moved her fingers up his arm to the other lines of his tattoo. “We can totally get your June fixed. Maybe in new colors, if you want.” She smiled up at him, focusing on his face now. “Should we get this sucker wrapped up? I think you should get some bright crimson fabric, and then you can freak people out by telling them it’s still bloodsoaked.”

Tei had to laugh at the crimson fabric idea.  “That sounds more like a Lyra idea to me.” He nodded as Saoirse picked up some clean bandages.  He sat down on the bed and let Saoirse start to wrap his arm. “But maybe we should try it anyway.  Sometime.” He watched Saoirse’s hands as she unrolled the clean fabric. “Maybe I will get it fixed.  Maybe the weirdness will mean it hurts less than when I had it put on.” He pushed a hand back through his hair.  He felt exhausted and all he’d done was take a bath. And face a bone-deep fear, of course. “Still might need to be thrown into that flower bed.”  He said a little unsteadily. He swiped the back of his hand at his eyes to wipe away the dampness that was gathering there.

“I’ll toss you into a lilac bush any time, just say the word.” Saoirse finished bandaging the end of his arm and tied the fabric snugly. Then she scooted over next to him and hooked her arm around his neck and kissed him on the temple. “Covered in dirt is my favorite look on you.”

“Lilac, huh?  My least favorite scent, how kind of you.”  Tei let Saoirse help him back up onto his feet.  He wanted to crawl back into bed but he pushed down the urge and let Saoirse lead him out into the hallway.

“Hey, I figured roses have thorns, just thinking of your wellbeing.”  She smiled sideways at him. “And here, breakfast.” She passed him a halla cheese sandwich.  “Because you need to eat.”

He took the sandwich and ate it obediently as they walked through the long hallways.  “How big _is_ this place?”  Tei looked around at the high ceilings and boggled at the elegant double staircase that led down into a ridiculous foyer.

“Freaking massive.  I mean, I know Varric said estate, but I sort of figured it’d be some house  This is a bloody mansion. And it’s yours.” Saoirse nodded as they walked downstairs, slowly since Tei still looked a little shaky.

Tei paused at the large front doors.  Was he ready for what was outside those doors?  He wasn’t even sure what was out there.

“Don’t worry, there’s space out there, no one’s gonna bother us.”  Saoirse pushed open the door and held it. “No hoards of shemlen waiting to sing at you, I promise.”

Tei smiled and ducked his head.  “Oh good, I think once in my life was enough for that.”  He took a steadying breath and followed her outside.

The gardens were expansive.  There was a gravel driveway that curved it’s way out to a gate set into a tall brick wall.  Tei was sure it had been built to keep people out and normally would have hated it, but here it felt reassuring, allowing him to venture out just a little bit.  He looked around, trying to see if anything looked familiar, but nothing really did. There were small garden beds all around the front of the house and small flowering trees and little islands of garden covered the estate’s lawns.  All were overgrown and barely recognizable, although it looked as though someone had been trimming the grass. It was a little strange to look at.

Saoirse smiled when Tei walked right out into the grass and crouched down, running his hand over the grass.  Finally, a familiar act. He hadn’t put on any shoes, and neither had she. The weather was temperate during this season and there was plenty of sunlight and a gentle breeze.  

Tei looked around at the grounds and let himself wander, taking stock of the garden beds and what was growing in them.  It looked as though whoever had planned these gardens had only been thinking of the visual effects, which, when tended, would have been impressive.  There wasn’t a lot that was primarily food or medicine focused. Maybe a kitchen garden?

When he found his way to the back of the house he found what he’d been looking for.  There was an overgrown rectangular plot. “This is where we should start.” Tei reached into a tangle of vines and pulled out a string bean.  If he pulled it straight off the vine it would tear the rest of the vine down. Normally he’d have held the vine with one hand and plucked the bean with his other.  That was no longer an option. He couldn’t dress himself correctly, couldn’t think of how to pick these beans without destroying the plant, and these were only the first two things of thousands more that he’d be sure to discover in the coming weeks and months.

He tightened his hand around the string bean and felt the all-too-familiar tightening in his throat and the pricking in his eyes of tears.  During the Inquisition he’d quickly learned that he needed to curb his tears. Weeping, amongst humans, was a sign of weakness and failure, those kinds of strong emotions had no place in a leader of men.  Shedding tears amongst the Dalish was treated with respect: strong feelings and emotions were just a part of life and so long as you still could perform your purpose within the clan, it was fine. But how could he do what was needed of him now if he couldn’t even gather food?  And this was where he was trapped, wanting to move forward, shoulder the burdens and take another step, but his strength had failed him and he felt stuck. And this wasn’t just a string bean anymore, it represented everything that held him back. He sighed and refocused on the plant.  “It’s just a bean,” he whispered.

“What was that?”  Saoirse had settled in near him, waiting for him to give her some direction about picking weeds.

Tei nodded, mostly to himself.  “Just psyching myself up. Apparently I need a pep talk to pick beans these days.”  He released the bean and wiped his eyes dry.

“Yeah, well...”  Saoirse looked around, looking for the right thing to say in the moment.  Her eyes caught on something red. “If you need pep, maybe you should be picking those peppers instead!”

Tei looked at where she was pointing and shook his head with a pained smile on his face.  “That was awful. And wonderful.” He refocused on the beans. There had to be a way to do this.  He reached in and experimented with holding the vine between two fingers and pulling on the bean with the rest of them, a little clumsy, but after a moment a satisfying snap signalled the release of the string bean.  Tei pulled it out of the vines. “Well, one picked, four hundred to go.”

Saoirse snatched the bean from his hand and ate it.  She chewed thoughtfully. “Correction. None picked. Keep working.  And tell me what’s a weed so I can start pulling and stop eating your beans.”

 

They worked side by side, slowly reclaiming the kitchen garden.  Tei kept having to fight down his frustration levels when even the simplest things took twice as long as it should.  By late afternoon the garden had clear rows once again and Saoirse had tied the beans back to their climbing trellises.  She’d also hauled over a scattering of mismatched chairs and little tables. There was a basket of carrots, bell peppers, string beans, and tomatoes sitting between them.  Tei sat back on his heels. Saoirse had picked probably three quarters of it, since he was so much slower, but the pile of plucked weeds was definitely more his than hers, so there was at least that.  

“Well, I heard that you’d made it outside, Leafy, but I had to come and see if for myself.”  

Tei looked up at the familiar sound of Varric’s voice.    

“That’s typical of you, yeah.  Showing up just when we’re finished working,”  Saoirse teased.

“Well, I can leave, but I did bring sourvun, so it’s not like I showed up empty handed.”  Varric held up a dark colored large glass bottle. “Dalish-made too. I bought it from one of the clans camped outside Kirkwall.  I know it’s not going to be the same as Lavellan sourvun, but I hope it’s acceptable.”

Tei smiled.  One of the very first conversations he’d ever had with Varric, all the way back in Haven, was when Varric helped him stave off a panic attack and got him talking about home.  They’d talked about drinking sourvun together some day when it was all over. “You remembered.”

Varric laughed.  “I’m a storyteller, kid.  A good story is all about the continuity.  And I need to see if this famous Dalish cider lives up to the hype of being your favorite.  Maker knows we drank some pretty rank stuff out of those bottles we found all over Thedas. Odds were 50/50 that it would kill us before Corypheus ever got to.”

Tei got awkwardly to his feet, stumbling a little sideways when he realized his legs had fallen asleep.  “I hope you came out ahead after all that betting on the Inquisition, at least.”

“I did all right.”  He grinned. “I found that a good rule to follow was ‘Never bet against a Lavellan’.  You’re a tough bunch.”

Tei ducked his head.  “Sometimes.”

Varric clapped him on the back.  “Haven’t met one that’s let me down yet.”  He made eye contact with Tei.

Tei smiled weakly.  “You always did say you were inclined towards extravagant lies.”

“Oi!  You, whiney-pants.  You can still be made into shark food.  Know you got that harbor key thing.” Sera appeared around a corner carrying a tray covered in baked goods.  She set it down noisily on the biggest table. “I see drinks and I brought cakes and cookies. No frigging raisins, so no getting all droopy on me.”

Varric laughed.  “What’s this about shark food?”

Tei walked over to the table and chairs with everyone and sat down.  “Sera threatened to feed me to the sharks in the harbor if I didn’t get out of bed today.”  He accepted the glass that Varric passed to him.

“Nice job, Buttercup.”  Varric passed her the second glass.  “I’d have gone with bureaucrats, myself, but sharks are pretty scary too.”  He passed around glasses until everyone had one. “What shall we drink to?”

“To butts.  Everyone likes those, right?”  She leered and lifted her glass.  “See, I’m being thoughtful.”

Saoirse rolled her eyes and laughed.  She lifted her glass. “To kicking arse and picking weeds.”

Varric clinked his glass against hers.  “I can drink to that.” He looked over at Tei.  “Anything you want to add?”

Tei lifted his glass to Varric’s.  “To drinking sourvun with good company.  May we have many more chances to do these kinds of things.”

 

Much sourvun was drunk and generally agreed to be pretty good, just not as good as stuff from home, of course.  Tiny cakes were eaten and Sera dragged Saoirse off after a while for “friendly roof time.”

Varric shook his head with a smile.  “Still can’t quite believe they picked the roof of the Herald’s Rest for their makeout place.  Well, okay, _I can_ because they did all the time.”  Varric finished off his glass. “Not that the library was that much less public.”

Tei ducked his head hiding a faint tired smile.  “I like my moments quieter and more private.”

“So, how _are_ you doing?”  Varric inclined his head towards Tei.  “Still pretty rough, huh?”

Tei made a noncommittal noise.

“You know, it gets easier.  Over time.” He rested a hand on Tei’s shoulder.

“So everyone tells me.”  Tei looked up at Varric.

“You know, there’s some terrible cliche line about a burden shared is a burden halved.  Lay it on me.” Varric shifted to face Tei better. “Just pretend we’re back in the tent in Haven.”  Varric pointed over his shoulder in the direction of the house. “I could probably find us a couple of chipped pottery mugs if it would help.”

Tei sighed and looked down into his empty cup.  “Did I make the right choice? Should I not have disbanded the Inquisition?  Honestly, what in Thedas did I ever do to convince people that these decisions should be left up to me?  Fall out of the Fade and suddenly I was the Chosen One. What if I did the wrong thing?”

“Do you think you made the wrong choice?”  Varric asked quietly. He poured a little more sourvun into Tei’s glass.

Tei looked up at Varric with his brows furrowed.  “It was time. It wasn’t working anymore and it was starting to crumble from the inside.”  Tei hung his head. It was the truth, but it wasn’t the entire truth. “And I disbanded it because it’s what I wanted.  I didn’t want to be the Inquisitor anymore. It takes everything from you. It was a selfish choice. And now everyone is gone.  Scattered to the winds.”

“Leafy, I don’t think you could make a purely selfish choice if someone had a knife to your throat.”  Varric looked at Tei carefully. “Is this about Dorian?”

Tei’s eyes started tearing up.  He made a frustrated sound. “Yes?  No? Ugh, some of it is, now there’s no Inquisition there’s no excuse for him to keep coming here.”  Tei set down his glass to rub his eyes. “But what about Cullen, what if he needs our help, and now we’re so far away?  What will happen to Bull and the Chargers? What about you? And Cassandra and Leliana... I can’t do anything to help my friends anymore.  Not that I’d be much use to anyone anymore these days.”

“I hear you talking about everyone else.  But what about you?”

Tei looked down at his hand.  His voice shook. “I feel like I’m losing everything,  Everyone is gone. How could we have missed spies in our midst?   And Solas... ugh. I can’t even cast right now. I reach for the magic and it’s just not there.  I feel so useless.”

Varric reached over and squeezed Tei’s hand and held it.  “You absolutely aren’t useless. You just need some time. Anyone would.”  He caught Tei’s eyes. “Also have you talked to Dorian yet?”

Tei shook his head.  “No. I’d just cry all over him.”

Varric laughed softly, not in an unkind way.  “What, you think because he’s back home he forgot what you’re like?  He knows you, I think it would be weird if you didn’t cry.”

Tei made a frustrated sound.  “But, he doesn’t need all that right now.  He shouldn’t be having to take care of me while he’s got so much on his plate.  I should be the one who’s there for him. He’s dealing with his father’s death, I don’t want to add more trouble.”

“Leafy, relationships _are_ trouble, but they’re the kind of trouble that’s _worth it_.  And honestly, if I were in his shoes I think I’d welcome to kind of trouble you represent.  It’d be a nice distraction.”

Tei looked up, his eyes were red.  “Really? You think so?”

Varric nodded and leaned towards him.  “Trust me, Tei. He’ll be so glad to hear from you.  And he’s probably waiting for you to call first, to give you space, or for some other secret insecurity he’s pretending he doesn’t have.  Just _call_ him.”

Tei nodded quietly to himself.  They sat in companionable silence for a few minutes.  “Varric, how do you do it? Sometimes I miss him so much it feels like I can’t breathe.  I start to think about him and I feel like my chest is being crushed, like it’s a physical feeling.”

Varric grimaced.  “Yeah, that’s called a panic attack, and they get easier to manage.  And way less frequent. And you’ve got all of us here to help you through them.  Take deep breaths. Smoke some elfroot. Visualize... something calming, like those halla you like so much.  And call Dorian with that messaging crystal. Hell, maybe you should just go visit him.”

Tei looked shocked.  “I can’t! Not right now.  He needs the space and I have to be supportive.  And I’m in no state for that right now. It’s bad enough I’m making all of you deal with me.”  He hunched his shoulders.

“That’s the biggest load of horse shit I’ve heard since I left my office,”  Varric said firmly. “He needs you just as much. Don’t get so caught up in being a martyr; you’re not the Inquisitor anymore, so you don’t have to.  I didn’t say you should move in. Yet. You’ve got to have some contact. Call him tonight. Talk to him. And make plans for a visit. Sometimes you’ve just got to say ‘fuck it’ and go.  And fuck it.” Varric winked.

Tei ducked his head with an abashed smile.  “You’re probably right, you usually are. I’ll call him.”  Tei leaned back in his chair.

“Darn right I am.”  Varric grinned. He picked up an empty bottle and sighed.  “Well, we’ve emptied this bottle and if you’re going to call Dorian we shouldn’t start another one or you’ll be too sloshed to talk.”  Varric set his mug down on the table. “And I should get back to my office before Bran has a heart attack on me when he finds out what I did with the produce market this morning.  That kid needs to relax more.”

Tei blinked.  “What _did_ you do with the produce market?”

Varric shook his head.  “You don’t wanna know. Let’s just say it’s not a bad idea that you’ve got a kitchen garden here.  Keep it up.” He stretched and got to his feet. “Thanks for the drinks. Let’s do this again. Soon.  Maybe next week. I’ll find another cider supplier and get us another couple of bottles. Cakes are on you.”

Tei got to his feet, only swaying a little bit because of how much cider he’d had.  “Okay. Next week. Thank you, Varric.” Tei looked at Varric. “I’m truly grateful that you’re here.  I don’t know how I’d be without you and Saoirse and Sera to lean on. I really appreciate it. I know you have a lot to do right now, and I’m not the most fun to be around.”  He sighed shakily.

“Hey, you deserve good things.  We’re all lucky to have you too.  What are friends for anyway if not to get you drunk and cheer you up when things are shitty?”

“I guess some of them threaten to feed me to sharks,”  Tei said with a tired smile. “Which is okay, I guess I need both kinds.”

“Get drunk, feed to sharks, both sound loving to me.”  Varric laughed. “All right, get inside before it gets dark and we get lost in this overgrown mess of a garden.  See you next week.” Varric waved as he headed back to the front gates.

Tei gathered up the empty bottles and carried them inside to the kitchen.  Saoirse and Sera were sitting on the kitchen table throwing grapes at each other, trying to catch them in their mouths.  Debris from crackers and some kind of savory pies littered the table around them. They were laughing and it made the kitchen feel light and warm.  Tei hung back in the doorway watching them for a few moments.

“Oi, Creepy, stop with the lingering in the shadows bit and come on in.”  Sera threw a grape at him.

Tei didn’t move fast enough to catch it and it sailed past his head out the garden door.  “I wasn’t lingering.”

“All right, so you were loitering, then,” Sera replied. “Either way, get in here.”

Saoirse searched around on the table and came up with an intact hand pie. “Here, you probably need something to soak up all that cider. Did Varric get you good and hammered?”

Sera cackled. “Hammered, yeah, ‘cause he’s a dwarf! Pretty undwarfy, but joke still stands.”

“Pie sounds good.”  Tei set the bottles down in the sink and dragged over a stool so he could sit with them.  “Less hammered, more like slightly dented.” Tei rolled his eyes at himself. “Kind of a perfect description of me right now actually.”  He picked up the pie. It was still pleasantly warm. He bit into it, thankful for the easily eaten hand food. There were potatoes and peas in a warming spice blend and tasted delicious.

“Only ‘slightly’ is an improvement, right?” Saoirse scooted over to dangle her legs off the table beside where he sat. “We were thinking of playing cards for a bit a little later. Want to lose some of those Inquisition sovereigns?” She gave him a pointed look that said “I’m not letting you pine alone in the dark all evening.”

Tei ate his pie thoughtfully.  “Rain check? Maybe tomorrow night?  I was thinking of using the message crystal.”  He absently ran his fingers over the amulet that held the crystal that he was wearing under his shirt.  Tei looked up at Saoirse with a sort of nervous glance to see what she thought of the idea.

Saoirse’s eyes widened. “Do it! Seize the moment! He wants to hear your voice, and you’ll never convince me otherwise, no matter how much I want to kick him. Talking to him will do _him_ good too.”

“Keep it down if things start getting sweaty,” Sera instructed through a mouthful of pie.

Tei’s eyebrows shot up to his hairline and he felt his face getting hot.  He hadn’t even thought of using the crystal like that. He pressed the amulet against his skin feeling the coolness against his warming skin.

Sera cracked up at Tei’s reaction.  “And you’re welcome. Full of brilliant ideas, ain’t I?”

Tei coughed.  “Thanks for the pie.  I’m... just going upstairs now.”  Tei did his best not to run out of the kitchen with the sound of giggling following him.  It took forever to climb the stairs and his legs felt like they had lead weights tied to them.  He was far more tired than he should have been after gardening.

He found his room and went inside, closing the door behind him.  Familiar aches in his thighs and shoulders asserted themselves, crouching and reaching to pull weeds.  He walked over to his dresser and found some elfroot powder. He mixed it with some water and drank it down.  He looked around the room, trying to decide where to sit. He only meant to sit down on the bed for a moment while he gathered his thoughts, but the wyvern down was too inviting.  He struggled out of his shirt and breeches and then crawled under the blankets. It was far too comfortable. He pulled the amulet from around his neck and laid it on the pillow next to his head.  He knew how to operate it, but now he stared at the clasp. It was strong, to protect the crystal, and when he and Dorian had tested them, he’d still been in possession of his left arm. He felt a surge of frustration when he couldn’t open it and ended up having to use his teeth to pry it open.  

The crystal began to glow gently as he watched it.  Almost as though it were waking up.

“...Hello?”  He felt a little bit silly speaking to it.

“Amatus!”  Dorian’s voice coming out of the crystal inside was almost jarring.  It sounded like he was right there. His warm voice was so clear. Tei’s heart felt flippy in his chest and his throat got tight.  He heard Dorian sighing dramatically. “So, Tevinter is a shit-hole and they still hate me here. And the feeling is more than mutual.  I was an absolute idiot to come back here.”

Tei gripped the amulet so tightly his knuckles went white.  He tried to think of what to say.

“... Hello?  Is this thing working?  Tei?”

“Yes.  It’s working,”  Tei said stupidly.

“Oh, thank the Maker.  It would be just our luck for the stupid things to break, but Dagna promised me they’d work.  It’s good to hear your voice.”

Tei closed his eyes.  “How are things with... the ‘your father’ stuff?”

Tei heard Dorian’s sigh.  “Well, absolutely wretched, but going about as well as expected.  At least people have stopped calling by to offer their empty condolences and gawk at the prodigal son’s return.  But really, nothing I can’t handle. How are you? Is Kirkwall everything you hoped for and more?”

Tei closed his eyes.  “Well. It’s Kirkwall.  Today Sera threatened to feed me to sharks, but on the upside I got out of bed.”  His voice was less steady than he wanted it to be.

“Sharks?”

Tei shrugged.  “I do have that key to the harbor chains.  Varric says he thinks it actually works.”

“How is your arm?”

Tei closed his eyes.  “It hurts. Pretty much all the time.”  Tei traced his fingertip around the amulet’s edges.  “I miss you.” His voice was soft, almost a whisper.

“Amatus.”  There was pain in Dorian’s voice.  “I’m sorry. I wish I could be there.”

“I know.”  Tei wiped tears out of his eyes with the back of his hand.  “It’s... well not fine, but it’s what it is.”

“You said you got out of bed today... does that mean you haven’t been?”  Dorian sounded a little hesitant.

“Not really.”

“Tei.”  Dorian’s voice was gentle.  

“I know.  I think I scared Saoirse.  I’m just... having a hard time.”

“Talk to me about it.”

“I don’t want to burden you.  You’ve already got too much to do,”  Tei said.

“And wouldn’t it be kind of you to distract me from all of it by letting me help you?”

Tei could see the expression Dorian would have on his face as he said that.  It would be that beguiling smile he saved just for Tei. Tei let out a shaky breath.

“I wish I could see you,”  Dorian said. “If I were there, I’d sweep you into my arms and kiss you.  And you’d be so distracted by my wit and charm that you’d forget all your troubles.”

“And I’d cry all over you and ruin your outfit,”  Tei said with a shaky voice. His pillow was getting wet.

“I’d just put you on my left shoulder then, nothing there that tears can ruin.”

Tei laughed once.  “Oh, okay then. I’d just get your shoulder excessively damp.”

“And that describes so many of our charming adventures in the South.  Like the Storm Coast, or Crestwood, or the always lovely Fallow Mire. I’m going to end up being fond of the damp because of all those times you hauled me out in it.”  He laughed. “You’ve absolutely ruined me. I used to like nice things. And now the damp reminds me of you.”

“It seems appropriate.  I’m excessively damp. And slightly dented.”

“... Slightly dented?  I’m missing something here, aren’t I?”

Tei shook his head even though Dorian couldn’t see him.  “Something Saoirse said. Varric came over and brought sourvun.”

“Did you have tiny cakes?”

“Yes.”

“I should have that bakery in Val Royeaux deliver some of those honey cakes that you love,”  Dorian said. “They’d go well with cider. What else have you been doing?”

“Not much.  I looked at my arm today.  Without the bandages.” Tei slipped his arm under the pillow and rested his head on it.

“How did that go?”

Tei breathed in and out for a few moments to steady his voice.  “It... wasn’t great. It’s healing. My June vallaslin is pretty wrecked.  There’s a lot of ugly scarring.”

“If it bothers you we can take you to see some healers around here.  As I mentioned, we don’t keep scars in Tevinter,” Dorian said.

Tei remembered the conversation they’d had once, it almost felt a lifetime ago, as they lay in bed in Skyhold when Dorian had told him the full extent of what his father had tried to do to change him, and the scars that should have been there but weren’t.  “Just the inside ones,” Tei said quietly.

“And how are those?”

“Worse than the outside ones.”  Tei felt tears pricking in his eyes.  “I--” He sighed.

“Please, Amatus, tell me what you’re thinking.  I promise I won’t think less of you or whatever it is that you’re worried about.”

“I can’t cast.  I reached for a little fire to light a candle and it’s not there.”  Tei closed his eyes. “It took me an hour to get dressed and I only mean a shirt and breeches.  I keep reaching for things with a hand that isn’t there, I can’t sleep when I want to and I’m tired when I’m awake.  I miss everyone so much and I feel like they’re gone forever, no matter how much I tell myself that’s not true. I got so used to having all of you just seconds away and now we’ve scattered to all corners of Thedas.”  Tei tried to gather his thoughts but they all came rushing through his mind at once. “This is the first time we’ve been apart without a plan of when I’ll see you again. And I know you said that it’s a temporary thing, but it doesn’t feel temporary.  It feels long term. I don’t know if I can handle the idea of being apart from you most of the time for the rest of our lives. And I don’t want to say that because it sounds pathetic and needy but maybe I am just pathetic and needy and maybe you’ll start seeing me like that and you won’t want me.  You’ll meet some amazing Tevinter mage who actually understands magical theory who you could actually talk to about those things like I never could and who you could actually be with. And--” Tei’s voice faltered. He felt raw and exposed and afraid.

“Tei.  I wouldn’t trade you for a hundred other men who knew magical theory, much less one from Tevinter.  Don’t forget, I’m the only good one. You are still, and will always be the man I love. Even if you never care about magical theory at all.  And I don’t care how difficult it might be. You are worth every ridiculous inconvenience. I should be with you now.” He paused. “And this _is_ temporary.  Just until I can make it safe enough for us to be together, whatever that ends up looking like.  I am not interested in us being apart for any longer than we have to be.”

“My head understands that.  It’s just my heart that doesn’t yet.  And it’s always been better at drowning out my head.”  He wiped tears from his cheeks again. “Distract me. Tell me more about you.  I really am overwhelmed with sorrow for lack of hearing your velvety voice.”

“Now it’s my turn to say I don’t want to burden you.”  Dorian laughed lightly. “Ah, well. I can’t deny you anything.”  He paused thoughtfully. “Well, no one’s managed to kill me yet. Not for lack of trying, but thus far in phenomenally uncreative and inept ways, it’s almost offensive.”

“Please tell me you’re kidding.  Are they really trying to kill you?”  Tei felt his muscles tensing.

“They’re just incredibly jealous of how amazing I look in my new Magister robes.”  

“You do have some extra security around you, don’t you?”  Tei absently worried his lower lip.

“If I tell you that I do, will you stop worrying?”

“... No.  But I don’t want you taking any extra chances.  Please be careful. I need you to be careful.”

“I promise that I am being careful.  And I also promise that I am taking precautions.  I refuse to give these bastards the satisfaction of seeing me sweat.”

“You’re just lucky that Bull and the Chargers don’t work in Tevinter.  I’d hire them and have them camped outside your door. Maybe I’ll look up another company that does.”

“Why don’t you spend that energy healing instead?  These are really just token attempts at this point.  Sort of like seat-warming gifts. Besides, I didn’t get killed in the Inquisition when they were actually expending effort.  I can handle the idiotic machinations of a few other magisters.”

“And you’re all right?  Eating real food, not drinking too much?”

Dorian laughed.  “Yes, I’ve had real meals.  I have a household staff that I keep fairly busy.  They can actually cook, unlike the cooks at the Inquisition camps.  I don’t have to carry a shaker of flavor on me every day; I have to say that’s been quite nice.  And I can’t get rid of Maevaris for love or money, she’s always hanging around. And she’s never tried to feed me insects, so she’s got some truly charming attributes.”

Tei closed his eyes and smiled.  “Now I’m going to feel jealous of Maevaris, she gets to be there with you _and_ you’re telling me reasons you like her.  Did you forget how I said my heart is doing all the thinking lately?”

“And have you forgotten that I only fall for men?  More specifically mad Dalish elf men who always have leaves in their hair and have only one arm?”  

“You have weird kinks.  I suppose you can’t help it, being a magister.  I hear they’re all evil.” Tei smiled and curled underneath a blanket.  It did feel good to hear Dorian’s voice.

“Well, I suppose that makes us about even.  Don’t all you Dalish creatures eat babies and breathe fire?”

Tei found himself yawning.  “Only shemlen babies. We’re not heartless.”

“Remind me never to leave you alone with an infant.  Also I heard that yawn. Am I keeping you from sleep?”  

Tei shook his head.  “I did some gardening today.  Took several hours to weed this tiny garden plot.”  Tei sighed with frustration. “But it was good. I should get outside more.”

“That’s my Amatus.  Go roll in dirt in leaves, that always seemed to make you happier.”

Tei shook his head.  “You know, I have never actually ever rolled in dirt.  Not since I was a child. Climbing trees, digging through bushes, collecting plants, all yes.  But never rolling in dirt.”

“I’m pretty sure you rolled in dirt in the Storm Coast, at least once,”  Dorian countered.

“Missing a step and sliding down a cliff does _not_ count.”  Tei rolled his eyes.

“Po-tay-to, po-tah-to.  You love all that nature nonsense.”

“Remind me why I miss you again?”  Tei found himself smiling.

“My marvelous ass, obviously.  Also my sparkling conversation and fabulous hair.”

“How is it that I can _hear_ you smirking?”  Tei realized that his body had relaxed and he wasn’t quite so tightly coiled inside.

“Years of practice being superior to everyone around me, of course.”

“Of course.”  This felt right.  It felt comfortable and easy.  It felt like Tei hadn’t felt in a long time.  

“Tell you what, come and visit me for Satinalia.  It’s just a few months away. The Magisterium will be out of session and we’ll have spiced wine and make fun of everyone I know.  Everyone wears masks and costumes and that should make it moderately less risky since no one will be able to tell who you are.”

Tei’s heart leapt into his throat.  A plan. “Are you sure? I don’t want to make things harder for you.  I know your work is important.”

“So are you.  And would you stop second guessing everything.  You’re not the Inquisitor anymore. Be _selfish_ for once in your life.”

“I disbanded the Inquisition.  That was plenty selfish,” Tei said petulantly.

“Pft, you disbanded the Inquisition because it was already starting to come apart at the seams.  You disbanded it to spare the people who loved it from having to watch it tear itself apart. That’s not selfish, it’s actually the opposite.  You made the difficult choice, took the responsibility on your own shoulders to spare others pain. It’s what you _do_.  Always.  And I promise, if it takes me the rest of my bloody life, to teach you how to be selfish.  I’m spectacularly good at it so it should be easy for you to learn.”

“You’re not as nearly as good at it as you think, Good Tevinter.”

“I highly doubt I’m in the good books with your family.  How much does Saoirse hate me?”

“Moderately to a lot.  She threatened to kill you until I started crying.”

Dorian sighed.  “That’s fair. I’m glad you have her.  Listen to her. Not on the killing me parts, but she’s pretty correct on just about everything else.  And don’t let Sera feed you to sharks. I’m rather looking forward to seeing you again. Soon.”

Tei smiled and laid there in the comfortable quiet for a few moments.  “With my eyes closed it’s almost possible to imagine you’re right here.”

“Hardly!  I can’t put my cold feet on you this way.”

“So there is one good thing about this arrangement, after all,”  Tei said.

“So cold, Amatus.  I thought you liked keeping me warm.”  Dorian’s voice sounded like he was trying not to laugh.

“You’re back home in Tevinter, you said it’s never cold there.”

“And here I thought you didn’t listen when I talked about my homeland.”

Tei quirked an eyebrow. “I always listen to you.”

“I distinctly recall you coming to see me back in Haven to ask me questions about Tevinter that I know I’d already told you,”  he teased.

“You were intentionally distracting and flirty, so those questions don’t count.”  Tei yawned again.

“You’re lucky that I like you as much as I do or I would be so insulted at you falling asleep on me.”  

Tei smiled and nuzzled into his pillow.  “You’re used to it. Remember that time I fell asleep on you in your chair in the library.”

“I couldn’t forget it, my back ached for days after that.  We’re not all bendy elves, you know.”

Tei laughed.  “You shouldn’t have let me sleep there all night.”

“Eh,”  Dorian said dismissively.  “You needed the sleep. And from the sounds of it, you need it right now too.”

Tei pulled the amulet close to his face.  “Stay with me, until I fall asleep?”

“Shall I find a book of magical theory to read aloud to you to bore you to sleep?”

“Mmmm,”  Tei murmured as he closed his eyes again.  

Dorian cleared his throat and Tei could hear him shifting papers around.  “Ah, this should do. Modifying Barrier Spells Within a Fixed Energy Field by Andreas Levantus.  How does that sound?”

“Like something you’d like reading.”  Tei tugged his blankets closer around him and let the sound of Dorian’s voice wash over him like slipping into a warm bath.  

 

He woke in the morning feeling lighter.  Sometime during the night the amulet had become wedged under his pillows.  He retrieved it and closed it carefully, pressing it closed inside his hand and curling his closed hand over his heart.  The familiar pang of missing Dorian was still there, but it didn’t feel as sharp when he looked at the empty pillow next to him.  Sunlight was spilling into the room from the space between his curtains. He took a moment to look around his new bedroom, as though seeing it for the first time.  

It was a comfortable space.  Soft textiles on an upholstered couch, warm, honey-colored wood furniture, and the wallpaper had a delicate leafy motif to it.  He ran his fingers over the cream colored woven that covered his bed. It wasn’t all that different than blankets they had back home.  He wondered if Varric had arranged for the room to be fitted out with things that Tei would appreciate. He felt a pang of guilt that he’d never even noticed it before.  

Tei slid out of bed and walked quietly over to the windows.  His arm ached dully as he pulled the curtains back to let the sunlight into his room.  The curtains were made from some kind of velvety fabric. Dorian would know what it was, maybe that fustian velvet stuff he remembered Dorian talking about.  Tei carefully tucked the curtains back behind wrought iron curtain hooks and pushed the windows open. A gentle breeze brushed his hair back from his face. He could smell the scent of the wild flowers that had seeded themselves in the garden.  He closed his eyes and stood still and silent as the sunlight warmed his face. Tei could just barely hear the sounds of people coming from and going to Kirkwall beyond the walls of the estate. If he didn’t pay very close attention he could almost pretend he was back home, camped near a shemlen market.  It just needed the braying of halla to complete the illusion.

Nothing would ever be the same again as it had been before the Inquisition, and that was simply reality.  In some ways it made him sad but in others it was strangely freeing. It was a strange and unsettling feeling not to have a plan, to be taking things one day at a time, answerable to no one and beholden to none.  But maybe time in Kirkwall would help him make a new start. It seemed oddly fitting to be a broken person in a broken city. While Varric rebuilt the city maybe Tei could rebuild himself.

He walked back to the bed and retrieved the amulet.  He slipped the chain around his neck and struggled out of the tunic he’d slept in.  He found a clean one in the wardrobe and got it on. He found leggings that he could pull on, drawstrings were for another day.  He made his way down the stairs and out the kitchen door. The house was quiet. It didn’t seem like Sera and Saoirse were up yet.  The cook was working contentedly in the kitchen. He smiled at her shyly and she passed him a warm muffin as he headed outside.

There was still dew on the grass as he walked barefoot out towards a patch of clover.  He crouched down and gently ran his fingers through the clover. He plucked one and ate it, relishing the familiar tart and fresh taste and he smiled.  He lowered himself down into the clover and laid on his back. The dampness was a little bit chilly, but the clover was soft as it tickled his ears and the back of his neck.  He shaded his eyes from the sun and took a deep breath, letting the scent of grass and clover fill his senses. He rested the muffin on his chest and closed his eyes and tucked his arm behind his head and let himself enjoy the feeling of the early morning sunlight.

 

A little while later, the sound of Saoirse shouting echoed from the balcony of Tei’s bedroom. She dashed out onto it and leaned over the railing so far she almost flipped herself upside down.

“ _Tei!_ Andraste’s smoking ashes, where the hell are you?!” She scanned the grounds below the balcony: the patio, the gravel walks, the garden. Then she gave a frustrated, relieved groan when she spotted him lying in the grass. She jumped over the railing and climbed down the masonry.

“You don’t get out of bed for weeks and then suddenly you’re up at dawn and out here soaking up the dew? You’re giving me whiplash!”

Tei squinted against the sunlight up at Saoirse.  “Sorry. Want a muffin?” He pulled his arm out from behind his head and offered it to her.

“Mn, sure, but only if it’s a ‘sorry I scared the pants off you’ muffin.” Saoirse took it and flopped down beside him. “Feeling better?”

“Feeling okay.  I slept well. And hey, I got dressed today.”

“All by yourself, too!” Saoirse scooted close to him and nudged him gently with her shoulder.

Tei put his hand over the amulet under his shirt.  “I’m worried about him, but I’m trying to just sit with the feeling and not freak out about it.”

“So you did talk to him? How’s his hair? I bet he gave you the full report.” She grinned.

“He says everyone’s jealous of how good he looks in Magister robes.  And that the attempts on his life are ‘offensively badly done’ and that I shouldn’t worry about it because it’s normal for Tevinter.  So I’m trying to take that in stride.” Tei shook his head. “And then I cried and said stupidly embarrassing things and he promised things that he’d probably deny saying if he knew I was telling someone else about them.”  Tei felt his eyes misting and he wiped at them and laughed a little. “I think I tried to hire Bull and the Chargers to be his bodyguards, told him I was jealous of his friend Mae. Basically I was a soppy idiot and he still wanted to talk to me.”

Saoirse snorted. “After all this time, you thought being a soppy idiot would turn him off? You _have_ been paying attention for the past several years, right?”

“Hey, I get to worry about stupid things.  I worried about important things the entire time I was Inquisitor.  Now I’m done. Oh, and I made sure he was eating real food.”

Saoirse took a bite of her muffin. “Real food! What great advice! I wonder where you heard that?”

He took a piece of the muffin and looked sheepishly at her.  “Maybe it was all that halla cheese someone got for me that put the idea in my head.”  Tei stretched out in the clover. “He said I should come visit him for Satinalia.”

Saoirse immediately put her muffin down and turned towards him. “Do it! _Do it._ He says he worries about your safety, but he’d burn down all of Tevinter before he’d let something happen to you. And then Sera and I’d show up and put arrows through all the ashes. If Dorian is suggesting this after all that fussing about you being in danger, you _have_ to go.”

Tei smiled.  “I’m going to.  It means there’s a plan and he still wants to see me.  And I was never worried about _my_ safety.  I’d have gone now if he’d let me.”  Tei sighed. “But I understand, if it’s really as bad as he says, and actually it’s probably worse than he’s admitting, he shouldn't have to be dealing with all of this mess at the same time.”  Tei gestured to himself.

Saoirse made a skeptical sound. “You know it probably took a lot for him to invite you, right? Not because he doesn’t want to see you, but because he’s terrified of what Tevinter could do to you. If he didn’t want to deal with your ‘mess’ he wouldn’t have pushed himself past that fear.” She threw a wry look back at the house, where Sera was presumably finding something to booby-trap or cover in custard. “Believe me, I know _all_ about people who let fear get in the way of being with people they love. He wants to see you bad enough to suggest this.”

Tei threw his arm around her and pulled her down into the clover into a hug.  “If I end up in Tevinter I’ll miss you so much! I don’t know how I’ll make it without someone to punch me when I need it.”  He had tears in his eyes again. “Are you happy? Does Sera make you happy? Even though you’re saddled with my stupid crap, are you okay?  I haven’t even asked and I know I made you worry so much and I’m sorry and I love you. You deserve to be so happy you can’t even stand it.”  Tei knew he was babbling and he forced himself to stop.

“Of course I’m happy, you noodle!” Saoirse hooked her arm through his and lay back in the grass again with him. “And yeah, I’m worried about you, but that worry gets smaller every time you get better. I’ll worry way less when you’re with that fancy mage of yours, no matter where you end up.” The smile on her face grew somehow more faraway and more real at the same time. “And yeah, Sera makes me really frigging stupidly happy. Giddily happy. Like, I-worked-really-hard-for-this-and-it’s-even-better-than-I-dreamed happy. I never knew someone could get me like she does, and I’m pretty sure it’s the same for her.”

“Well fine, yeah, if you hafta spell it all out.”  Sera popped into view above them, making Tei startle and drop the piece of muffin he’d been about to eat.  “Even if you are too friggin’ elfy. Lying in the grass out here stupid early. Big damn mansion and you’re both lying in the wet like a couple of nugs.  Mental.” She plucked the muffin out of Saoirse’s hand and ate it in one big bite. “Can we go back inside like normal people? I’ve got an idea.” She grinned wickedly at Tei.

He looked nervously at her.  “Should I be worried?”

She laughed.  “Probably. But my ideas, always good ones, yeah?  I’ve got a plan for your retirement, Ser Ex-Inquisitorness.  A Red Jenny plan.”

 

To Be Continued...


End file.
